Before Arthur was born, my husband and I had minimal fighting in our relationship. We did pretty well at talking about stuff as it came up and we never yelled. After Arthur it was a whooooole different story. It is absolutely, completely normal to have more conflict and tension in a relationship after a baby’s birth. Relationship satisfaction plummets rather dramatically during the first year of a baby’s life. So yeah, it’s normal to fight more.
But sometimes the fights feel pretty big. You may feel yourself getting angry frequently and frustrated with the lack of understanding from your partner and wonder what the heck is going on. It’s super easy to get caught up in thinking about all the dumb things your partner has done or all the things they are NOT doing to help you and the baby. Plus both of you may be pretty sleep deprived which doesn’t help anything.
Today I want to share some basic, foundational concepts to help you prevent fighting and to deal with it when you are fighting.
Expect that you will fight more often and accept that it comes with being parents
I know this might seem weird to expect fighting. But I basically don’t want you to freak out about it. Do not worry that it is a sign everything is ending or that you are in a bad relationship.
Practice believing you both want what is best for baby and for each other.
Understand that conflict is not bad! Every couple has fights
Try to view conflict as the symptom of a true need or desire. Behind every surface fight, are deeply felt feelings that are linked to needs and desires. A complaint that a person isn’t doing enough could be the symptom of someone not feeling appreciated for example.
Conflict can help you get to the deeper feelings.
Make sure each person is getting basic needs met
If you are both sleep deprived, not eating regularly, not eating nurturing foods (I don’t mean every meal has to be aperfectly balanced, organic masterpiece! I just mean generally getting a few fruits, veggies, proteins, fats & carbs in during a week), not exercising, stuck indoors every day then your body and mind are compromised. You won’t be able to think clearly until these things are taken care of. Recruit help and make sure you help each other to get basic needs met. Then have that important discussion.
Pay attention to how much you are touching your partner
Sometimes we forget to touch are partners because we’re with the baby all the time or we feel “touched out” and just need our bodies to ourselves. This happened to me; my poor husband had to tell me I don’t hug him enough!
Explore what kinds of touch feel good to you: is it holding hands? Hugging? Mutually masterbating? Be purposeful about touching your partner so you feel physically connected. Feeling more connect helps prevent fights.
When you have a concern or complaint use a “softened start up”
John & Julie Gottman, leading marriage and relationship researchers describe a softened start up as being important to managing conflict. Instead of saying something like “You never change the poopy diapers and I always get stuck doing it!” say something like, “I’ve noticed that I seem to have to change most of the poopy diapers and I would really like some help.” Sometimes you can avoid a big fight just by starting the conversation with less aggression.
During conflict if it feels like either of you are really feeling super angry and out of control stop & take a break
Sometimes adrenaline kicks in so badly that it’s hard to get anywhere with a fight and feelings get majorly hurt once you’ve reached this point. Taking a break helps the body calm down. Always agree on a time to come back and continue the “discussion.”
What are your challenges with fighting? What do you think about the suggestions? Think you will give any of them a try? I would love to hear from you in the comment section below.
