When my son was born, love for my partner gushed out of me. I can’t explain it. Most moms told me that I would have a gigantic outpouring of love for my baby. To be honest, I didn’t feel that. But I did huge squooshy, grateful love for JJ.
For at least two weeks I was wrapped in this warmth that spilled from my heart, pulling my Darling close to me. It felt amazing. It felt as good as when I first began to love him 10 years before our child’s birth. In many ways, this love felt richer. Stronger than new love.
Then the next 14 months happened. Sleep deprivation took a toll on my mind and emotions for day after day after day, month after month after month. JJ went back to work a month into this crazy new world of infant parenthood and I became the sole caretaker for much of my son’s day and all of his night. And that love I felt for my partner started to fade and my frustration with him increased.
I remember sitting in the room I moved into with my son so JJ could sleep, sobbing because I was so tired and incredibly jealous of JJ’s sleep. In so many ways it seemed like my husband went back to his normal life and my life felt wrecked.
I felt myself getting resentful and jealous. Sometimes I wanted to just punch him in the nose (although he is a foot taller than me so that isn’t very easy. “Here let me get on this stool so I can punch you.” lol). Plus he and I had/have different ways of parenting and that caused tension and our sexy times were almost non-existent.
I could feel distance between us. It felt like looking down at a canyon in the dark. You know it’s dangerous but the darkness hides what’s really there.
I knew there were signs of a cracking relationship and that is NOT what I wanted for our family. I wanted us to feel strong, loving and connected. I wanted our relationship to thrive!
Arthur will be three in April and it’s slowly been getting better. But I have taken some very intentional action to make it better. Here are a few things I’ve done:
- Increased physical touch
- Set reminders for myself to verbally (usually via text message) tell him how I appreciate him
- Had a conversation about our intentions as a couple for the year
- Took control over my own sexual desire (rather than relying him on him to get me “turned on”)
- Unpacked and answered the questions “What would it look like and feel like if my home was a sanctuary for all three of us?”
- Got off my computer when he got home in the evening
- Talked to my Life coach
I can’t tell you our relationship is perfect. But I can tell you that I am spending A LOT less time focused on what I’m angry at him for.
I am spending WAY more time thinking about how grateful I am for the loving, loyal, generous, supportive and resilient man he is.
It has taken emotional, spiritual and mindset work but if feels soooooooo good to be loving him like this.